Taking The Leap

The future is scary. For a few years now (well 2 years, 3 months exactly today. But who’s counting?) I’ve been making videos on Youtube. In those 2 ¼ years, I’ve changed so much as a person and as a content creator. When I started, I knew literally nothing about video editing, commentating, or photoshop. Zero. Everything I do today has been practically all self taught over hours of practice. I gained some minimal video editing knowledge when I was placed in a video arts class during in senior year. I asked to be in that class because I was in a deep depression and thought it would be an easy course to manage. I was surprised when I started showing an interest in videos and film. Long story short, it led to me wanting to try and make gaming videos on Youtube. A path I NEVER thought would be on my journey. And now, it’s become my dream. Sounds dumb, right? But I guess there’s something I can’t explain about it. It brings me so much joy and happiness when I read the supportive comments, edit that one moment up perfectly in a video, and hear about the joy I’ve brought to other’s lives. It just feels like what I need to do and where I belong. Hard for me to argue with that I suppose.

Why would any of this be relevant right now? Well my channel has blown beyond what I ever expected. I mean, this channel is only a year and a half old and we’ve broke 11,000 subscribers and 500,000 video views! Never in my wildest dream did I expect that! But I’ve wanted it. And not for the fame. Not for the money. But because it is what I love to do. The main reason why this has been on my mind is because I have not been enjoying my job for a while now. My “day job”. For reasons I don’t want to discuss, I’ve been thinking about my options. One option that has been pushing very strongly is to work on my channel full time. Though it would be a little while, I feel I am very close to make it work (which had led to lots of confusing number crunching, long nights, and an overall feeling of doubt). This isn’t meant to be a request for everyone to rally around me and help (you all do more than I could ever say), it’s just meant to give background into my current thought process. In the end, this decision comes with a large amount of fear and uncertainty.

Many times in life, we pass up on good opportunities because we are afraid of failing. We let these doubts control us and hold us back from things we want. Lately in my life, I’ve grown tired of not going after what I want. I’ve been done with being timid and worried about every leap of faith. So today as I type this, despite my fears, I am planning on really  pushing to become a full time Youtuber. I want to follow what I love. Deep down, I know that if I was to take the safe road and stop this whole thing now, I would miss it all the time and regret not seeing where it could have led. Life is weird. You never know where you will end up, despite what you originally planned. I have no idea where I will be, but my gut is telling me things I’m tired of ignoring. For those lost, afraid, or unsure about what move to make next; follow where you think you need to go. Pursuit your dreams because even if it doesn’t work out, at least you did it. And that makes all the difference.

Fear is written in sand.

Regret is carved into stone.

-Axe

Heart of Life

Love is beautiful. It asks for nothing and yet we field everything to it. We build our lives around it; reshape our worlds just to keep it burning bright. Love reaches those in both darkness and light. To me, it is the most powerful and amazing thing in this world. To some, today is a day of celebration, while to others it is one of bitterness. Personally, I am delighted to see a day dedicated to love! And not for a relationship, or for gifts, or for anything personally related. I just love seeing a day where we all acknowledge and think about love for one another. A day where we look beyond ourselves. We are all connected, living together side by side and co-existing. Yet often and easily enough, we get stuck in our ruts and can forget that we are not the center of the world. This world is beauty, pain, and love. However, we are all part of the same existence. We share all these things the world offers. Love is amazing because it strengthens these bonds. We start to care about the lives of those around us. We strive for the success and happiness they seek. We hurt when they do. We all are connected.

Valentine’s Day makes us think about our feelings on love. If we want it or not, what we might miss about it, and what we hope for. However, whether you have a “special someone” or not, we should seek out the love we want. We should also look at ourselves and see what love we can offer those who would show it to us. All of us moving a little closer together as a whole through acts of kindness and compassion. Is the world fair? No. Does it give you what you want when you want it? No. But love is all around us if we keep ourselves open to it. So today, I hope we all appreciate the love we do have in lives and go after the love that we still want. If you have someone special, show them why they are that to you. Whether you think taking part in this day is stupid or not, why would we give up an opportunity to remind those closest to us that we love them?

You don’t need gifts.

You don’t need giant stuffed bears.

You don’t need all the chocolate in the world.

You just need love.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!

-Axe

Two Seats To The Left

Humans are weird. We react to tragedy similar to how still water reacts to a drop hitting it’s surface. The further we are from it, the less it impacts us. Something terrible, depressing, and heartbreaking becomes a small bump in our day.

“Did you hear about the student who shot himself in the classroom?”

“I did! How terrible! Could you imagine!”

“Ohh such a tragedy! So paper or plastic?”

We seem to take headlines over the words of the story. Many give their opinions on the stance rather than imagining themselves in the other’s shoes. All the isolation, pain, and breaking of hope that he must have endured. The sleepless nights. The tears. Everything. But we don’t think of that as often. The thought that our ostracization or behind-the-back criticism could have been one of many stepping stones to that path. A small feeling of responsibility for that we alone cannot save these people, but know that we found it easier to ignore than reach out. But the further we are from the impact zone, the easier it is to move on. Obvious, yet melancholy. If we were to feel deep emotional tears over every tragedy that we heard of, we would never be able to function as people. However, the moments where we feel almost nothing in the face of direct tragedy is a scary revelation. The fear of that we've become too numb or adapted into an asshole persona. Overall, we cannot blame ourselves for how we feel or don’t by nature. What we should work on though is our empathy. It’s easy to think this guy made a wrong decision. It’s easy to throw on labels like “depressed” or “suicidal” but they are simply headlines to a much deeper story. To describe this man, I will be from a honest perspective. Socially, he could be awkward. You knew his heart was in the right place, though you saw years of growing up in the outcast life had affected him. He wasn't incredibly handsome, but he wasn't bad looking. Tall and slightly slender. Distinct. There was a feeling of wanting that he emitted. This search to find a place where he belonged.

I am not going to say whether I condone his actions or not, but I will say one thing to pick the mind. Many say that he should not have done it. They wish he had said something or reached out. To many, him shooting himself was the main tragedy. Perhaps those bad jokes he told you that made you laugh uncomfortably were him reaching out. The moments where he would randomly join a group conversation just to feel included were him saying he was lonely. Maybe he knew no one ever answered his silent cries. Maybe he wanted people to realize he existed, even if it was only in word and memory. A wise man once said, “If life’s a game of poker, then we view suicide as folding; but it’s not. Suicide would be throwing your cards, flipping the table, and pissing on your friend’s chips before stomping off.” Life always has hope. Life will always have a place where you belong. Sadly though, it can seem like an impossible fantasy for those who have been waiting too long. And sometimes, you can’t see the dawn breaking when your eyes are shut in darkness. A tragedy I wish would not bounce off me so easily. This small writing dedicated to the guy who sat two seats to my left in band. 

R.I.P. Zach

-Axe